


Twists and Turns of Fate

by johnny_bravado



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Ryden, Rydon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnny_bravado/pseuds/johnny_bravado
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon has had a long time crush on another boy in band. When his friend's health takes a nasty turn, it leaves the group of boys at a state of confusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I always catch myself staring. Ever since I walked past his practice room on my way to orchestra I cant help but notice him beating the hell out of his drums. His fringe goes over his eyes and his headphones are close to falling off, playing a familiar beat to a song I just can't remember the name of. I walk noticeably slower, earning a tough push from Brendon as we walk in the band room. I decide to ignore orchestra today, saving my bass for another day. 

“Spencer's awesome, isn't he? God, I wish I could do that. He always gets better parts than me.” Brendon shrugs as he pulls a pair of 5As from his backpack and fixes his high hat. I sit to his left, pulling out my phone and texting meaningless things to William.

I wish he'd talk to me. I'd call it a silent crush; Me never bothering to have a conversation with him. The only contact we make having awkward run ins in the hallway and crossing paths when it's my turn for the practice room. He's so cool, I think. What he does looks near impossible, but he makes it look so easy.

“Is Spencer in a band?” I ask without thinking, Brendon raising his eyebrows. 

“Uh, define band,” Brendon says, smirking while tuning his low tom. “Him and that weird kid Ryan... and then that kid Brent... they apparently do covers.”

I nod once and Brendon coughs and clears his throat, him still feeling sick from last week. He was sick, really sick. As in 'I-collapsed-on-Jon-during-History-because-I-don't-drink-water' sick. “Still on death watch, Urie?” A voice teases. “And that weird kid, Ryan, happens to be pretty decent at guitar, and tae-kwon-do.” 

Yeah, Christ, it's him. It's Spencer. And he looks good even when he's not drumming. Brendon turns even redder than he already was. “Yep, still sick. My mom even wanted the nurse to check on me between classes. And oh, spare me. Who would injure the ill?”

Spencer takes a seat in one of the black chairs. Not just one of the black chairs, but the one next to me. 

Play it smooth, Walker. You got this.

Spencer- lord help me- turns to me but speaks to Brendon. “Sensei Ryan Ross, that's who.” His blue eyes stare right at me, a pleased grin on his face as he keeps up with his joking manner. 

“Have mercy,” Brendon laughs. 

“So who's this?” Spencer changes the subject, referring to me, the guy he's staring at. And yeah, he's checking me out. 

“Jon,” I introduce myself, then stretch my aching muscles by leaning back into my chair. I catch him looking down at my hips. Well, alright, awesome.

“Spencer,” He greets.

Brendon grabs the side of his head and rubs it. I immediately take notice. “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah,”

“Are you sure? Want to go to the nurse? I'll walk with you and make sure you don't-”

“For fuck's sake, I'm fine.” Brendon snaps. I look over to Spencer who looks at Brendon and back at me. Brendon starts practicing a beat on drums and Spencer attentively listens, nodding his head to the beat and smiling encouragingly. Brendon winces every time he hits the snare.

My backpack's lying on the chair on the other side of Spencer, and I get up to get Brendon some water. I'm not going to let him pass out again. Especially if I'm with him. He looks somewhat better from last week, but I'm not letting this be a one-step-forward-two steps-back deal. When a person collapses on you it's terrifying. That's all I have to say about that.

Brendon messes up on one beat and retries it, Spencer shifting in his seat and turning to me as I'm about to give the water to him. He just looks at me and I glance at him briefly, before turning to Brendon who stops drumming and takes the water.

“Thanks,” he says. 

“Did they figure out what you had?” Spencer asks. 

“Just a cold, it's nothing.”

I grunt. “Yeah, because people with colds pass out. It was the flu.”

Spencer shakes his head, “You're such a Mom.”

We continue chatting about nonsense. Mostly it's Spencer and Brendon, talking about their favorite songs to play. I occasionally chime in with 'I love that song' and 'I can play it on bass' but mostly they're fully at it.

The last five minutes of the period, Brendon changes his attention to the kid that walks up behind Spencer and slams his, quite large, hands onto Spencer's shoulders. Spencer yelps and pushes the hands off of him. “Ry! Not cool.”

I catch Brendon staring, similar to how I look at Spencer. 

“How's it going?” He asks, putting his guitar case down and sitting down with us. 

“Good. Except for Brendon over here. Sick as a dog.”

Brendon frowns.

Ryan mirrors Brendon. “I saw you during creative writing, you looked terrible." Brendon's expression falters, "I almost came up to you to ask how you were doing but you looked out of it.” 

“I wouldn't have minded.” Brendon mutters. Spencer raises his goddamn eyebrows. 

“I'll remember that for next time.” Well, Ryan's flirty. I didn't expect that. He always looks like he'd be really quiet and unwilling to take part in conversation.

The bell rings and everyone gets up, including Brendon who wavers slightly. 

“Are you okay?” Ryan asks him. I continue to gather my things, listening in.

“I'm fine, yeah.” 

“Are you sure? Maybe I should walk you to class.” Ryan motions to the door and Brendon grabs his things, walking with him.

Spencer and I just watch them leave, both of us in shock. Ryan's practically hovering over him, watching his every step.

This isn't fair. Why can't I fake sick and Spencer be all over me? Come on. 

“So uh, it's only fair that I can walk you to class, I think.”

I may or may not be mentally screaming right now. Yes. I would love that.

I smile to him, (Brendon says I have a nice one so I decide to actually use it) and say a quick “sure”.

“So, were you really stretching or just trying to get me all bothered with those hips?” Spencer murmurs. 

I may pass out myself. Right here.

But I keep it together, “Both,” I manage. “Don't act like I didn't notice how close you sat yourself next to me when there were plenty of empty seats.”

“Touche.” 

“So if it's okay with you, I think it's only fair that we get to know each other a little better? We can only torture ourselves for so long.” Okay, that was easy. I look around and make sure that wasn't a joke. Because Spencer Smith just asked me on a date? I never expected to even talk to him. 

I nudge him playfully with my shoulder. “So what's the plan?”

Spencer makes this 'mm' sound with his lips in thought, and I can't help but want to just push him into the nearest closet and make him make that noise again.

I need to learn how to restrain my thoughts a little better, ugh.

“How about you and me go for Chipotle during lunch tomorrow?”

Forty minutes with him? Sounds like a plan. So casual- just the way I like dates to be. 

“Sounds great.” I reply enthusiastically, making a halt in front of my class.

The bell rings, signaling that passing period is now over. “Awesome. Meet me by the flag at whenever lunch starts!” He says as he rushes away to his next class. 

Oh god, he's adorable as he walks quickly, putting his hands on his backpack straps and rushing down the hallway. 

I'm more than excited for tomorrow.

-

Ryan's POV

We walk down the hallway in almost silence. Brendon isn't speaking even when I tried to talk to him. He's Brendon Urie. People say he talks a lot. “You know it's really rude of y-”

I watch him. Nobody mentioned he does this. 

It happens so fast. His head turning, and a lost, almost panicked look in his eyes as he collapses. I catch him, holding him and bringing him down to the ground. 

Everyone is staring. Everyone is freaking out. Brendon starts convulsing and his expression scares me. I hold his head, “Get someone! Get the nurse!” I yell at a random kid as I hold him. “Call someone, goddammit!” 

“Brendon,” I say, firmly, as if I could get him to snap out of it. “Brendon,” I choke out again. I wait for him to stop seizing. Teachers are standing above him and me, watching me as I hold his head. He does stop, after at least two minutes. 

He's silent, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

Brendon's eyes refocus, to look right at me. “What happened?”

-

Jon's POV

Well apparently I'm seeing Spencer a little earlier than I anticipated. It's been ten minutes. 

He knocks on the class room door urgently, earning a stare from most students and the teacher. My breath catches at the sight of Spencer, like he's just seen a ghost. He doesn't even let the teacher ask him why he's here. He whispers to him and I make out some words. “Jon Walker- friend- nurse- seizure-”

I stand up in my seat, ignore my things, and bolt out of the class room death grip on Spencer's hand. Tears are peeking through my eyes and I don't care enough to hold them back. I have so many questions. I can't even talk. I just run to the nurse. 

“Jon, hey,” Spencer says between deep breaths as we run. I don't pay attention to him, I just want to know what happened to Brendon. He's been acting weird ever since he started drumming. The kid was quiet, tried less, and was really jumpy when we talked about the least stressful things. 

“I should have known!” I yelp. “I should have- ugh.”

Spencer squeezes my hand tighter. “There was nothing you could have done.”

I don't answer him because he was wrong.


	2. Tests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan apparently has not shut up about Brendon after yesterday. I haven't either, so we're on even ground.

Ryan's POV

Never have I seen someone have a seizure. I have seen someone pass out, but I'd never compare the two.

Seeing Brendon seizing like that, for some reason, made me feel a new level of protective towards him. It's not like I've started full on stalking the guy, but I want to know he's alright.

Jon, Spencer, and I were all pushed out of the nurse so Brendon doesn't feel suffocated. None of us were happy about that, and Jon was rambling for about ten minutes about how he should have known Brendon was acting strange.

“It's not like you could have stopped the seizure from happening,” Spencer whispers.

Jon sighs. “What happened exactly?” He turns to me, almost accusatory.

I almost blurted 'don't blame me for hurting your best gay friendship' but I refrained myself. 

“He was acting weird while I was walking with him to class. I don't really- it was weird. It kinda just happened.”

Spencer takes a loud breath. “He's going to be fine, I'm sure.”

“I hope so,” Jon says. “I think they're taking him to the hospital.” He points to the older woman walking towards him, clearly rushed.

“What happened? I just got the call. I- I can't believe-”

“Mrs. Urie,” Jon says in a careful voice. “He was walking to class and he fell and started convulsing. Ryan here made sure he was okay.”

I'm close to blushing when Brendon's mom looks at me. “Oh, thank you, Ryan. God knows about what his state would have been if he hit his head.”

Brendon suddenly comes out of the room, staring at us. “So,” he starts.

“I'm so glad you're okay,” Mrs. Urie steps closer to Brendon.

“Yeah, I have a headache.” Brendon mutters, rubbing a spot on his head.

The three of us just stand there watching him. “Sorry you had to see that, but God-”

“Gosh,” His mother interrupts.

Brendon rolls his eyes. “But gosh, thanks for saving my as- butt.”

“Ass butt. Smooth, Bren.” Jon teases.

His mother flinches at the swear. “I'm going to take you to the hospital. They're gonna check you out, alright?”

“Okay,”

I know Jon wants to step up and ask if he can come along and support him, but he holds himself back. Jon has always been close with Brendon, and I'm sure they've been friends since eighth grade. I almost envy Jon, but I know I have Spencer as a friend. However, I watched how Spencer was consoling him and being so caring, and I can't help but feel like a puppy left on the side of the road waiting for someone to pay attention to me.

“Boys, you can get back to class now.” The nurse says.

We silently leave, walking all together in the hallway.

“Ryan,” Spencer says, “you did good.”

I nod once, keeping my head to the ground.

-  
Jon's POV

Brendon's not at school today. I feel nervous, because I sent him a text and he didn't answer. I talked to Spencer though, and we exchanged our numbers, and he's been texting me, calming me down.

“I'm sure he's fine. Hopefully a nice lunch will distract you?” I get this text during art, gladly answering.

“Definitely.”

Ten minutes later, I get a text from Brendon.

“I had to do a cat scan yesterday. Then a fucking MRI. They tested my blood too. Fucking bull.” His mother would have had a seizure herself if she saw that text.

“Fuck. What'd they say? Are you okay?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you lying?”

“Relax. I am fine.”

“Cool. Get your ass back to school.”

Brendon is still sick at least. He can't just wake up the next day and be totally fine. I just take all my art things and throw them back into our shelf and text Spencer. Spencer tells me he texted Ryan too. Actually, Ryan apparently has not shut up about Brendon after yesterday. I haven't either, so we're on even ground.

-  
I meet Spencer at the flagpole like he said, him with a lazy smile on his face. “Are you ready?”

“As ready as I'll ever be,” I joke, following him into his car. It's nice, and Audi, and I question how the hell his family has that kind of money.

Once we get to Chipotle, I get a taco bowl and Spencer get's chicken soft tacos. He paid, and I was trying so hard to not let him pay but he, of course, insisted.

“So I totally caught you checking me out outside the practice room.”

I scoff. “Well your drumming is distracting, you're good.”

“Yeah, you were definitely looking at my drumming.” He teases, taking a huge bite of his food. 

“I'm just kidding. Thank you,” He finishes chewing. “I watched you play in Jazz Band. Holy crap, your fingerings are dead on with intonation.”

I nod enthusiastically and say “I know” in a joking tone.

His eyes stare right at mine and he smiles, then looks back down at his food.

He's too cute and I'm on a date with him. I just now processed that and I'm screaming in my head.

“I just want to apologize for making a move so late, then acting on impulse,” Spencer says in a sorry tone.

“Well this thirty dollar lunch sure makes up for it. Is that guacamole?” I ask, looking down at his plate.

“Oh yeah! Want some?”

I bat my eye lashes, pleading. “Well if you insist.”

“Only if you let me feed it to you,” He smiles stupidly, picking up some with his fork. He picks a giant amount, and holds it in front of me.

Jesus fucking Christ, he's feeding me. We're practically twelve years old.

If that doesn't scream “we're a couple” I don't know what will.

He moves the fork close to my mouth and I take the huge bite, earning the biggest and cutest laugh I've ever heard.

Seriously. Every time this guys laughs, a baby is born.

“Wow, you're adorable.” He blurts, shaking his head and brushing his hand over his lip.

I swallow and take a sip of my drink. “You're cute when you're embarrassed.” I deadpan.

We soon get up to leave the restaurant and walk out the car, Spencer dropping his wallet behind him as we go.

“Hey, forgot something?” I say holding it up, threatening to open it.

He turns around and looks at me, making a panicked face. “Ah, lord.” He walks close to me, taking it from me. “You do not want to see my driver's license.”

The wallet is still in my hands and I open it. Just about the cutest sixteen year old license picture I have ever seen peeks out.

“Oh my gosh! You looks so different!” I look at his long hair and compare it to now.

Spencer's dark hair falls over his eyes as if to hide himself. I wait for him to peek through and show his blue eyes, and when he looks up to stare at me he looks like he's contemplating something.

I take another step closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist. “You have always been really adorable.”

His head turns up to meet mine, and, wow, our lips are only about five inches apart.

I could explode. Right here. 

And then, the worst of worst things could happen. Spencer's phone goes off.

“Fuck! That's my alarm! We're gonna be late to 6th period.” He jumps.

“Oh. Bummer,” I grumble.

We get up from our seats and rush out to the car, Spencer looks pretty rushed. I assume he's not one to skip class... unlike Brendon and I who would gladly go to the band room and sit around and hide for three periods.

We stay practically silent the rest of the drive, and I'm stuck thinking about how perfect our almost kiss would have been.


	3. Worried Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So, I'm sick," Brendon opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really have no good ideas for chapter titles, obviously.

-Jon's POV-

I can't help but feel extremely nervous. 

Yesterday's “date” was more than I expected, me thinking it'd be awkward and quiet. It was everything but.

I've wanted to kiss him ever since, but I've had a lot more things to worry about than kissing. Brendon said he's getting even more tests done because the doctors said they had to look into his headaches which could be the symptom of something worse. I know he's going to be alright, but I can't help but be upset that he's in pain. Ryan approached me this morning as I was walking to school, telling me he is actually going to go with Brendon to the doctor. I can tell Ryan feels a new protectiveness over Brendon. He hasn't stopped showing concern. Maybe I'm upset, I don't know. I don't want him stealing my best friend.

I sit in orchestra, bored in my seat with the bass in my arms. The bassists never pay much attention on what's going on, so it's only when we get yelled when we actually start to play. We're playing some symphony that the orchestra has played two years ago, which I remember. My music is slightly crumpled from when I shoved it in my backpack and I wish I wouldn't have, because it becomes harder to read. 

“Basses, what the hell?” The orchestra guy asks from across the room and my head pops up. Oh, right. “Can I hear measures 101 to 105?”

“Can we not,” Nick mutters under his breath, standing up.

Mr. Bradley raises his arms and queues us. I play the part with no struggle, even though we go from first position to seventh within a 2 beats. It's not easy moving your fingers that fast, but I've worked enough to be able to do it. However the rest of the basses aren't as lucky.

“Okay, without Jon please,” The man raises his hand again and I scribble down an extra shift on my paper. They play it again, even less successful than before. “You'll be playing that in sectionals.” He comments, the rest of the orchestra snickers.

I practically doze off the rest of orchestra until I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. While Mr. Bradley isn't looking I take it out and hide it behind my instrument, which is basically twice my width, and open the text from Spencer.

"Look to your left ;)".

Surely I do, and there's Spencer standing behind the door with a goofy face that makes me laugh way too noticeably. 

“Problem?” The conductor asks me, surely he doesn't even know my name after three years, but he's staring right at me. 

“Uh,” I think for a moment, “no.”

“Thanks for disrupting class,” He snarls. I bite the inside of my cheeks. This man can't stand me.

I can't look away. Spencer is doing several things behind the door, like lip syncing the melody of the song. He blows a kiss and I can feel my face burning.

Once the bell rings, Spencer slips his way into the classroom and holds the door open to the storage room for me to put my bass away.

“I didn't mean to get you in trouble,” Spencer frowns, his blue eyes slightly panicked.

I put the instrument into its place and scratch the back of my head. “He hates me.” I pause. “Actually, he hates everyone.”

“True,” Spencer shrugs. “So uh,” He takes a deep breath. I raise an eyebrow. “I think we owe each other something from yesterday.” He says matter-of-factly. 

A part of me bursts. “Oh?” Is all I say, raising my eyebrows.

“Yeah,” He takes a step closer, placing a hand on my cheek and I can feel my heart quickening. His head comes closer to me for a moment and freezes, as if he's considering changing his mind. But he lifts his chin and his lips meet mine, so soft that they're barely touching. I was in shock for a moment before I started to react, letting myself kiss him back. Before I have the chance to wrap my arms around his waist the bell sounds. We're late for our next class, and it takes us a moment to pull away from each other. He's so warm. He's so soft. My head won't stop spinning. 

“Let's go,” he says, holding out his hand.

I take it, letting him walk me to class. 

-

Ryan's POV

“I just don't see why he can't stay in the room,” Brendon practically growls and I try my best to stand my ground.

“I feel like this is something between you and the doctors,” The nurse protests. I roll my eyes.

I stare at the nurse. “Okay, it's fine."

“Ryan-”

“Tell me once you're out. Good luck,” I say.

Something is not right with Brendon, because the test showed something bad that they won't tell us. It's only him and two doctors and a nurse in the room with him. Not even his mother is by his side, but by mine, practically having a heart attack. I'm really bad at consoling people and Mrs. Urie isn't having the whole "I'm sure everything's alright" line.

Brendon has been acting fine this morning, except for his complaining about a headache and slight nausea. My hands are shaking, thinking back to when he had the seizure the other day. I don't know what's going on.

If something is wrong with Brendon, I have no idea what will happen. Jon will pass out, Spencer would be upset, and I- I don't know. I've spent a lot of time with Brendon these past few days, getting to know him and hearing his stupid jokes I assume nobody else would laugh at. Even though he's probably sick, his spirit shows no sign of it.

“Julie,” the doctor motions his mother in, face still as stone. I just stay in my seat, with my hands balled up in fists trying not to shake. They won't let me in, I don't know why.

I grab the necklace around my neck, actually considering praying.

I'm left alone for another fifteen minutes, my thoughts racing until I stand from my seat and knock on the door.

“We're just about done,” the nurse says. I peek my head through, and Mrs. Urie and Brendon are silent. No reaction, no crying, just them as if they're frozen in time. I don't know what to do, whether to smile or to frown, so I just reflect their faces onto my expression.

“I uh,” Brendon sighs, “so are we free to go?”

“Yes,” One of the other doctors say. Brendon's mother takes a deep breath and stands, grabbing her purse off the chair it was hanging off of.

“Come on boys,” His mother motions us out. We get into the corolla and sit in more silence for a bit. I don't want to pry the diagnosis from him and I refuse to make assumptions. “Well, how about we go back to the house instead of school? It's been a hard day."

It has.

“Sure,” Brendon answers.

Mrs. Urie nods as she turns down their street. 

“Are you gonna stay at my house for a bit?” Brendon whispers.

“If I'm not intruding,” I mutter. He just shakes his head.

“I want you here,” He says as we get out of the car.

“I want to be here,” I reply quietly, making my way next to Brendon, our arms bushing against each other's briefly. 

His room is a stereotypical musician's room, full of posters and two guitars and a keyboard on his desk. 

“So,” He sits on his bed, then falling to lie down on his back. I follow suit, sitting on the edge and watching him. I see his full eyelashes from here, his eyes closed as he takes a breath. 

“So," I say back with concern.

“I'm sick,” Brendon opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. 

I bite my tongue but it doesn't stop me from asking, “With what?”

“It's not important, what I have. I'll be okay.” His lack of confidence scares me.

I narrow my eyes, “Really? Because three doctors and a nurse were freaking out, and I could tell your mom was.” I bite. Brendon visibly tenses. “I'm sorry,” I apologize, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

“Come here, I don't want to sit up,” He motions me to lay next to him, and I do, staring right at him. His eyes stare at my features, as if he's taking in every detail of me like he's taking a mental picture. Water wells up in his eyes and a tear falls, and I brush my thumb along his cheek to make it go away.

“You'll be okay, everything will be okay,” I say, voice cracking. His bottom lip trembles as he moves closer to me, curling is smaller body against mine. “I promise,” I whisper.

I've known this kid for two days and I've never felt so desperate to spend so much time with someone since my mother.

I can no longer see his face due to it being pushed into my chest, but I take time to feel his hair. You can tell his closeness is necessary, and that all Brendon really needs is some company. I take a deep breath and smell his shampoo. He smells like mint.

-


	4. True-Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I scold him, “Don't talk like that, you aren't going to die. I'm not going to let you die.”
> 
> Brendon laughs with no humor, “Maybe I want to.”

Jon's POV

Brendon calls me right after the bell rings and my heart stops. Those tests.

“What's up?”

Brendon's silent for a moment, making me stop and lean against the bricks outside the school. I just go through all the possibilities and it hits me. No, no, it can't be that bad. 

“Can you come over?”

My legs refuse to hold myself up any longer. I end up kneeling on the ground. I feel like I got hit by a bus. “What is it.” I say in a demanding voice, not questioning.

“I'll tell you, just get over here.” 

He hangs up.

Brendon Urie, who claimed to me when we were thirteen that we were "true-blue bffs", just hung up on me. 

I make my way to his house going at least twelve miles over the speed limit. Nobody else is over. “Wasn't Ryan with you?” I ask, barging in and seeing Brendon standing on the steps. 

“His dad needed him, and I wasn't gonna tell him.”

I pause. “Why? Is it that bad?” Brendon just looks at the floor, like this is the biggest lie he's ever told. He motions me upstairs, and I follow into his room and sit on his bed.

“I don't want to tell Ryan because I don't want to scare him away,” Brendon mutters, “I think... I kind of like him, y'know?”

“I think he likes you too,” I comment.

“Really?” Brendon almost smiles.

“Brendon,” I urge, wanting to know.

“Tumor, in my brain.” His eyes meet mine, and it's my turn to break contact.

I don't move. 

My head stirs with all of the possibilities. “Cancer?” I choke out, voice cracking. My eyes threaten to water, but I do my best to hold it back. My best friend has a brain tumor. My best friend might have cancer. My best friend might not live 'till he's twenty. True-Blue.

“They're still analyzing it so we don't know. But it's there.” Brendon starts to cry, and I grab his hand soothingly. He holds onto it tightly. 

“Where?”

“Somewhere accessible. They're getting it out in a few days.”

I practically growl, “And you didn't tell Ryan? He does care about you. He came with you- how-h-how did he not find out?” 

“He wasn't in the room.” We sit in silence. I don't want to ask anymore questions. “I couldn't cry in front of him, I couldn't be scared. Jon, I'm terrified.”

I wish I could be as clueless as Ryan.

“Hey,” I say, “it's okay. We can tell him, both of us okay? He won't be mad.” 

“I lied right to his face,” Brendon protests, “I'm surprised that you're not mad at me.”

“It's not an easy thing.” I say, “We'll talk to Ryan tomorrow, is that okay?” 

“Okay.” Brendon is quiet for a few more moments. “I'm going to a therapist, you know.”

I study him, “Yeah, it'll probably be good for you.”

“The other day when they said it could be something serious, I asked why God, if he is even up there, couldn't just kill me right away instead of taking this route. Mom overheard.” Brendon stares at his hands, “I never saw myself living past eighteen anyway.” 

I want to punch him like it would make him stop feeling that way, but rather I scold him, “Don't talk like that, you aren't going to die. I'm not going to let you die.”

Brendon laughs with no humor, “Maybe I want to.”

I can feel my heart in my head.

-

Ryan's POV

I walk in to the house finding my father going through my mom's things. Her death has been the hardest on him. It's been a few months, but even if he walks near his room he can't help but walk inside and stay there a while. I come in here probably once a week. I miss her, too. Enough that I have to hold my posture a little harder and clench my jaw. “Dad,” I call from the door frame.

“I- Ryan,” He settles. “I'm... sorry I called.” I kneel beside him and pick up the things he took out of the boxes. Her pink sweater is still in my father's lap, he rubs it with his thumbs. 

I swallow hard, my throat suddenly dry and hurting. The necklace around my neck, which I normally don't notice, all of the sudden weighs a hundred pounds. 

“The necklace, Ryan, can I see it?” I don't take it off, but hold up the single pearl. He holds his hand up, and a shy away.

“I never take it off,” I recoil. 

He just nods, “Sorry.”

“I'll make some dinner, well, an oven pizza. I can't cook.” He can't either.

While I preheat the oven, I can't help but want to just run back over to Brendon's. He's hiding what he has from him. But he said he'd be fine. He doesn't seem like that much of a liar.

Unless.

Unless. It's bad enough I have to lie. 

I tap my fingers on the counter top. I need to calm down. So I text Spencer. 

“Hey,”

“Whats going on?” Spencer replies. 

“Making dinner. Well. Waiting to put the pizza in. You?”

“Ha, nice. Hw.”

“So how's you and Jon? You guys bfs yet?”

“Idk. I rly want to be. I know he likes me. We've kissed u know.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” I wait for his respond, the oven going off. I slip the pizza in but forget to take the cardboard off the bottom. “Fuck,” is the only word I say until I retrieve the pizza again and put it in. Spencer responded during my mini fiasco. 

“Idk, rly. Wbu and Brendon? U guys like each other right?”

My phones screen flickers, the battery dying. “Yeah.”

I text him again. “Gotta go, phone's dying.”

I'm scared to like him due to him being sick. I don't know what he has. If it's something lethal I don't know if I can deal with another loss. I can't.

-

(Jon's POV)

Lunch goes slow for a bit, Ryan and Brendon talk about anything but Brendon being sick. Anyone could see that Ryan's trying not to bring it up. Brendon's knee bounces up and down.

Spencer arrives. “Hey,” he greets, placing a hand on the back of my neck and rubbing there. I lean into the touch.

“Mm, nice to see you.”

“You're quite tense,” He mentions, pushing his thumb into a stiff part. I hiss, my back aching a bit until his touch feels good.

Brendon scoffs, “Okay, enough.”

“Sorry,” Me and him say, one after the other. 

“I, um, wanna talk to you, Jon. Wanna go to the quarry?” My head shoots up to look at him. Ryan smiles to himself. Brendon just looks at us.

“Sure,” I reply easily, following him. “What's up?” He motions to sit next to him on the bench.

“This is crazy,” He says, “Everything's crazy right now, I know Brendon's sick. Ryan told me.”

I just stare at him. He's looking at my shoulder, eyes traveling upwards till he reaches my eyes. “It's hard on him. He has a lot going on.”

Spencer takes in a deep breath. “How are you doing, though?”

I pause. I've never really thought about it. Last night I didn't sleep much, the bags under my eyes probably making obvious. If I said I was fine I'd sound like an asshole, and I'd be lying anyway. “I've known him since I was, like, six.” I reflect. Spencer rubs a hand on my back, distracting me before I start again. “We'd go to the park and hang off the bars and climb the swing set. One time he fell from the bars, and he got a concussion. He was, like, hysteric, so was I. He pinkie promised me when we were seven years old that nothing bad like that is ever gonna happen to him again,”

Tears form in my eyes. I look down at my lap, “and here we are.”

Spencer moves his hand and pushes some hair out of the way from my face. 

“Hey,” he soothes, “Brendon's a badass, whatever it is he can push through.”

I think of all the famous people that haven't survived cancer. They seemed invincible. “He'd- maybe.” 

Spencer is careful and hesitant, “What does he have?”

I don't want to say it. Spencer is a straight line to Ryan. I say it anyway.

“A brain tumor.”

Spencer has to bite his tongue to keep himself quiet. “You're fucking with me. Cancer?”

“Why the hell would I fuck with you?” I sound like an ass, words biting off my tongue. Spencer takes his hand off my shoulder. “He doesn't know yet. Or at least hasn't told me.”

“We can't tell Ryan,” Spencer blurts. “We really can't. It will hurt him a lot.”

Ryan doesn't strike me as the weak type, but when you mix in his new attraction to Brendon and a tumor I guess so. If Spencer and I- especially me, can handle it, he should be able to also. “Why?”

“It's a sensitive subject,” Spencer counters stubbornly. 

“Like I care about sensitive-fucking-subjects,” I say. “Can you just tell me?”

Spencer furrows his eyebrows. “I know this is hard on you, and I deserve it for the way I was earlier. But can you please stop being so bitchy?” He sounds angry, but still pleading. I nod. 

“Sorry,” I mouth and reach for Spencer's hand. I feel alone even surrounded by people. It feels like I'm the only one feeling this much intense pain and Ryan doesn't even have to feel it yet.

“Ryan's mom died a few months ago,” Spencer says. “By cancer.”

Oh. Ouch. “He's been basically taking care of his father, because he's depressed. Ryan's been... well, he's fine when he's distracted.”

I wouldn't have guessed. “That girly necklace he wears all the time-”

“It was his mom's. She gave it to him before she died.”

“Wow,” 

“He was there when she died.” Spencer's voice cracks. I can tell he had a connection with her also. 

Sympathy washes over me, and I peer through the glass into the cafeteria to where Ryan is. He has a lazy grin on him, propping an elbow on the table holding a fry and talking to Brendon. He looks okay, like a normal teenager that just wants to get out of here like the rest of us.

“Wow,” I repeat, I look at him. His eyes are watering, like he just snapped. “Spencer,” It's my turn to console him. His blue eyes pierce through me. I don't know what to say. The only thing to fill words was to kiss him. I hover over his lips for a moment, my thumb brushing away a tear. 

A simple gesture didn't do enough. We spend the rest of lunch in silence.

-


	5. Bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell Ryan or not- Brendon's sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for lack of posting! I forget this fic exists and I'm in the middle of another one. D: If i get enough kudos/comments I'd definitely haul out more chapters.

(Ryan's Pov)

Spencer and I were always morons when we're together. Spencer said he wanted to go far away. So we are- just for a few hours. We talk about a few things, Brendon and Jon coming up for only a bit in the conversations. This is about clearing our minds, really. If anything Brendon makes me distracted, enough to make me space out and forget about the road ahead of me. 

So we talk about the weird winding highway that never seems to end, and how crazy it is that the sun doesn't set until eight this time of year. When we aren't talking about the sun, we're not talking at all. 

“All was golden in the sky,” Words come to my head, and I say them with a calm slip of my tongue. 

Spencer rests his head on the back of his seat, “All was golden when the day met the night.” Obviously thinking about Jon. He's head over heels.

I hum a bit, pulling over on the bridge. It's a big drop, probably about four stories. Here is where I learned to be fearless. Nobody has died here, but with the deep water underneath and the shore being far away, maybe people have. I just never found out. We get out of the car and take off my shirt, and Spencer follows. We go one at a time.

I'm always first.

I pull myself up on one of the beams and hold onto the cables, staring straight ahead of me where the sunset is. It's getting colder out, but not uncomfortable against my bare torso. The water is flat as glass, and I have no concern over my safety. It's beautiful.

I think of my mother, who would be scared of me doing this. I think of Brendon.

Brendon.

My mom.

Both sick. Both in my life.

I'm like a bad luck charm.

What's even the point of coming back up after I jump?

Not here. Not in front of Spencer.

I feel him grab my shoulder, he's now standing next to me. “Are you upset? Like, upset-upset?”

“No, I'm fine. It's just a good night. Thought I'd enjoy it before I jump.” I lie, hoping Spencer doesn't notice. He does, of course, but he takes his hand away anyway.

I look down and jump.

I hold my breath and feel the wind rushing against me before I am fully submerged. The water is cold, sending a bolt of electricity through me. It's late March. I should have known it wouldn't be warm yet. I make my way to the surface, shaking out my hair and squeezing water out of my eyes. I'm fine. 

The only thing that goes through my mind at a time like this is get out. I see Spencer jump from the corner of my eye as I crawl out, shivering. Getting back to the car is a bit of a challenge, pushing my way through the brush shirtless is a task I don't always look forward too.

Spencer meets me back up at the car, and I throw a towel at him. After turning on the heater after enough time, our lips are no longer purple. “I swear I saw something down there, man.” Spencer says, a mixture of emotions to his voice. I just grin, staring at the highway in front of me. “A really big fish. Like, mutated kind of big. What if radioactivity-”

“Take a nap, Spence.” I interrupt, laughing at him. He just scoffs and turns on the radio. A few songs come on that we like, both of us singing along until I stop in front of Spencer's house. “G'night.”

“Night,”

Once I arrive home, my father is sitting in front of the refrigerator. I stand behind him, frozen. 

“I did something bad,” He admits. I look over his shoulder, I six pack of beer sitting there. I smile just for a moment and it falls, glad he realizes his own mistake for once. “I'm really sorry.”

“It's fine, go sit on the couch. Have you eaten?” I take the beer and put it on the table. I'll throw it out later. Or give it to my neighbors. 

He shakes his head. “I can make pasta," I mutter. 

And I do. I give him his dinner and eat mine in my room. Checking my phone, I see a text from Amanda.

“Wanna hang out tonight?”

I sigh, Amanda is one of my best friends, and if I would have planned my day better homework I would have said yes. Instead I just tell her the truth. “Too much homework, I'm really sorry. A lot has been going on.”

She just responds with “ok” and a bit of guilt washes over me. It's short lived, once I start homework I feel a simple bit of normalcy in my life. With everything that has happened, the feeling of being a normal teenager with forty math problems to do is refreshing, until I get through twenty of them and feel annoyed. School has always been easy for me, even with my life being out of control. I feel like this is the only thing I can control.

-

(Jon's POV)

“I want to tell him,” Brendon says once he sits in my car. “But not yet.”

Maybe it's for the best. “Not yet,” I agree.

“What?”

“What?” I say back. He just furrows his eyebrows.

“You agreed with me.”

“Yeah, well.”

I leave it at that.

-

Once in band, the four of us all sit in the chairs messing around. I was supposed to be in orchestra, but I told the guy I had something to do for jazz band. 

Ryan looks exhausted, looking down at his hands. “You okay?” Brendon whispers to him, Ryan nods once.

“Was up late last night with homework. Also my dad,” He murmurs back. I don't know what Brendon knows about Ryan's family, but he nods his head and grabs Ryan's hand. 

“It was funny, almost.” Ryan grins, “I came home and he was like, 'I did something bad' and it was a six pack of beer.” He pauses, “Fuck, I forgot to throw it away. I left it on the counter.”

“He knows not to drink it,” Brendon coos, “it'll be fine.”

"I left it right there...like a neon sign." Brendon reaches over, placing a hand behind his neck.

He knows enough, apparently. Does he know about his mom? He should, because he's staring at the necklace the same way I am. 

I do the most childish thing I can do and text Brendon, even though he's sitting right across from me.

I text him “Do you know?”.

Brendon looks at me before opening the texts, smiling. Probably thinking I'm the dumbest person alive, because I am. His smile falters at the text and types a reply. 

“About his mom? Yes. It's why I don't want to tell him. How did you know?” 

I pause. “Spencer told me.”

That's all we text each other. “So, um, Brendon,” Ryan clears his throat, a small bit of nervousness hitting him.

“Yeah?”

“Wanna go out tonight?”

Me and Spencer grin at each other, somewhat shocked because of the timing. 

Brendon nods, “Sure. What should we do?”

“I'd thought maybe just movies at my place? Because I don't really want to go out anymore during the week more than I have.”

“That sounds nice.” 

Ryan rubs his thumb in a circle on Brendon's hand, making me feel a bit lonely. I reach for Spencer, “Love me up, too,” I sound like a child, puckering my lips for a simple peck. I can see their jealous faces, they clearly haven't kissed yet. I feel lucky- I am lucky that I have Spencer. 

The bell rings, and Spencer grabs my hand. We get glances, but the people at our school have never cared about our relationships. We're not worth it, so it's a weight off my shoulders. 

“I guess this means I should ask you out too?” Spencer mumbles, “How does dinner at Biaggi's sound?”

“Biaggi's?!” One of the nicest places, and Spencer's asking me. “Yes, sure! Isn't it a bit expensive? I'm fine with Pizza Hut.” 

“My mom, actually, it was her idea. My parents know the owners, so.” He has a shy smile, but his eyes are practically reflecting the light like diamonds. Spencer's smile is the same way.

I give him a quick kiss on the cheek when nobody is paying attention. “Yes, yes of course.”

“Awesome.” We walk in silence for a moment, “I hope everything works out with Brendon and Ryan. I hope Ryan doesn't get mad at Brendon for lying to him.” I just nod. Everything is so fucked up with them and one of them doesn't even know it.

“I don't,” I say.

“Why?”

“Ryan needs someone who can be with him and won't go anywhere. He's falling into this trap and he may not be able to get out.” I sound worried, like a concerned parent. I haven't even known Ryan that long. 

Spencer sighs, “You're right.”

“I want to tell him. I don't want him to fall in love with someone who may not be able to love him back in the future,” The words ache in my throat, and I kind of want to take it all back. I don't have time though, my class is right in front of me. It's time to go and time has never been on my side.

“We'll discuss some of this over dinner, okay?” He puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me briefly, his soft lips over mine. This time everything seems a little bit better. 

-

(Ryan's POV)

With my dad being gone at therapy tonight, I ready the house with blankets and extra pillows and gather movies and popcorn. Luckily I don't burn the popcorn like I'm prone of doing. I hear the doorbell around seven. The beer is still on the counter.

“Hi,” Brendon offers me a hug, giving me a tight squeeze that I return. It was a bit awkward, like first date awkward. It's nice having this feeling.

“Want to make anything else to eat before we watch?”

“How about waffles?”

“Waffles?” I say, incredulously. But I just open the freezer and pull out the frozen ones.

“They're delicious,” He beams, taking the box from me. “Do you have peanut butter?”

I laugh and grab it from the cabinet. Brendon doesn't seem sick at all. “Here,”

“It's chunky.” He almost gags.

“What? I like it!” I protest, grabbing the other jar.

“Ryan Ross, I am certain I am wasting my time here if you like chunky peanut butter!” He laughs, taking a dab and putting it right on my nose. 

I stare at him with big eyes. “Are you serious?”

“Are you gonna get me back?”

“No.” I say simply, then taking surprising him with a glob of regular peanut butter on his cheek. 

He frowns exaggeratedly. “You gonna clean this?” Brendon winks and my mouth falls open.

“I'm not licking your face on the first date!” I laugh, grabbing a paper towel and wiping it off.

“Guess it's more of a second date thing.” He puts a hand on my shoulder and moves it back to behind my neck, holding on there. His almond shaped eyes look into mine for a while, as if he's appreciating what he's seeing.

We sit down and watch Pocahontas. 

“I can't believe we're watching Pocahontas.” I say, “I loved this movie.”

Brendon just sings along to “Colors of the Wind”, and I just hum along. He stands, grabbing my hand and staring at me, serenading. I like his voice, but once I hear it again I decide to silence him by grabbing his shirt pulling him down on top of me.

Well.

He stares in my eyes, and I stare at his lips. His face is about eight inches from mine, I don't know. But I want it to be less. I feel him on top of me and wrap my arms around his hips. His breathing is slow, steady, but I can tell his heart is racing almost as fast as mine. 

I'm the one to close the distance between us out of pure impatience. His lips are much fuller than mine, and I breathe in when he kisses back, placing the same hand behind my neck as before. Brendon's not too gentle, and his skin is warm. 

We end up finishing the movie, having to say goodnight. It's a sad goodbye, I just want to see him all the time.

I can only hope. 

Fucking teenage romances.  
-


	6. Modern Jesus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan gets some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating! School was a nightmare! I feel bad for these characters (other than because they're dealing with cancer) because junior year was so cruel.

(Jon's POV)

I've spent a lot of time thinking about Spencer. And Brendon. And Ryan. And just how un-fucking-fair everything is.

And it kinda hurts. 

I've never been all that emotional or whiny, but I know I have a right to be. Because it just hit me.

My best friend has cancer. They went in to the doctor this morning and 

People die from cancer all the time. 

Brain cancer's not easy to fix, either.

And it's not fair. 

Brendon's not a bad kid. He's friendly and exciting to talk to. But God decided to want to try and kill him off. What a tool.

I walk into Brendon's house, it's a nice Saturday afternoon. The unforgiving sun is blaring like it usually does. I won't forget this day either.

His mom is there on the phone with presumably a relative. She has teary eyes but smiles at me anyway. I wave to her and walk into Brendon's room. 

Brendon has a guitar in his hands. Not playing. Not saying a word. A Portugal. The Man song plays in the background.

He's terrified.

"How was your date last night?" I ask, avoiding conversation.

Brendon gives me a thumbs up. 

Well, that's nice. Mine went fine too, by the way. All we did was talk about you.

I sit on his chair. He's sitting on the bed.

And it's silent. Not uncomfortable; just empty.

"Jon," Brendon mutters in monotone. 

I stare at him. 

"I'm having my procedure next week," he says, "and Ryan still doesn't know." He hangs his head low in shame. 

"Don't worry about Ryan right now."

"Yeah, I'll worry about dying."

My throat is dry. Dying is so stupid, for fuck's sake. 

"Want to go out somewhere? Music store?"

"I'm tired, Jon. I'm so fucking tired." Brendon stands to put the guitar in its case. I cant help but stare even though he's walking fine. "I'm just- heavily medicated, that's all."

"I want to get Ryan over here."

Brendon looks at me with big eyes and nods once. 

-

(Ryan's POV)

Calling less than 24 hours after the first date must be a good sign. Well, texted. Brendon texted me to come over. 

And to be honest, it didn't sound good, and if it's about his sickness deal than I'm scared to death.

I drive over and see Jon's car in the parking lot.

I knock on the door and he's the one to open it. No, this isn't a good sign. 

"Hey, he's upstairs."

"Why couldn't he come down?" I ask.

"He didn't want to," Jon replies monotonously. 

I'm trembling, so I shove my hands in my pockets. 

I remember coming home from school and my parents sitting me down. 

I remember my mom's head on my dad's shoulder. 

I remember my mom's last breath, too.

My legs weigh a thousand pounds when I walk up the stairs, and when I finally reach Brendon's room I see him lying on the bed, flipping through songs on his stereo with his remote.

"What's going on?" I say.

"Sit down," Brendon pats the space next to him. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"I got my tests back, and it's cancerous."

Hm.

Well- uh.

Deja vu.

My necklace could burn a hole in my chest. Brain cancer. What are the odds. 

I'm like a bad luck charm. Don't hang with me, I'll give you cancer.

"Are they going to fix you?"

"Yeah, they are," Brendon says.

Jon is picking dirt out of his fingernails.

"When?" I ask.

"Next week."

I'm not wearing an expression, but a tear rolls down my cheek anyway. Emotions are assholes. 

"So this has to be a good week, right?" I say somewhat sarcastically. Oh my God, my heart's beating too fast. 

"I'm sorry."

And there they are, those big brown puppy dog eyes that I saw last night. They're red and puffy and they have dark circles under them. And we're both so tired. Tired of not being able to live.

"It's alright."

"I told Spencer already, over the phone." Jon says.

I can't sit here. I can't. Supporting him through this will break me. But I can't just leave him. We only went on one date. 

Poor Spencer just got a phone call. I wonder if he's on his way here, too.

"I'm..." I try to come up with words. "I've been through this before, with my mom. And uh..." 

I can't do this. 

"I need to go home." 

I actually feel like I'm going to pass out. My skin is hot.

"Ryan, Ryan," Jon reaches out to me. Poor Brendon is just frozen in his place. 

"I'm fine, just, oh my gosh. I need to g-go home."

My body is trembling.

I can't breathe.

Oh my god I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

He's only 17. 

I'm only 17. 

My mom was 45.

I miss my mom. She was so cold.

"He's having a panic attack, Brendon," Jon says. I barely hear the words. "I don't- I-"

A hand wraps around mine.

Callused finger tips. 

I may never be able to touch them some day.

"Ryan!" Spencer? Hey. That's Spencer. I like him. I can't lose my Spencer. "Listen. Listen to me. Remember when we were at the bridge? And driving? The water was so cold but we did it anyway."

Yeah, hey. I do remember that. The sun.

That necklace hurts my neck.

-

(Jon's POV)

When Ryan finally calmed down yesterday everything was tense. Nobody knew what to say or do. Brendon insisted we stayed, so we did. We listened to some music and Ryan barely spoke. And, well, Brendon did speak but only when spoken to. I was glad Spencer was there because he's always positive or witty and knows exactly what to say. I know I'm lucky to have him. 

When it was time for us to leave, Brendon told me to stay for dinner. Everyone ate chicken except Brendon who had pasta. His family was happy and positive probably because they have no other choice at this point. 

After dinner, Brendon took some medication which makes him nauseous. I helped his mom clean up and talked to her for a while, and she gave me some insight about god and all. I rolled my eyes when she first started talking. Okay, I mentally rolled my eyes the entire time. She said God will look after Brendon and make him better- stuff like that. If I learned anything from when Ryan's mom had cancer it's that God can't do shit. He won't make things happen for you. He can't hear you and if he did he probably wouldn't bother listening. 

It made me think of a novel I read where a guy was tripping on some drugs. The guy said that when we watch TV we're playing God. Because if God is real, he can't control what we do. He'd change the channel and I'd be in the shower, and change it again and Brendon's getting diagnosed with cancer. Just like how Dr. House is popping pills when Popeye is popping spinach. 

God can't do shit. Because if he could I'm sure shit like this wouldn't happen to us. 

I hope God is real. And the afterlife. I need that peace of mind.

That's probably why religion became a thing, anyway.


	7. Languidly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I still suck at updating. Drug use is in there. Some good swearing. The works.

(Jon's POV)

Spencer's hand rubs mine absentmindedly during our band class. At this point, I guess you could say that symphonic band is now our open because we don't do anything. We're quiet but comfortable. Lately the only thing we've been talking about is Brendon which kind of sucks, but the news is so intense. Ryan is reading with headphones in a few chairs away. He's been a recluse all day, not saying much to Spencer and I. Or anyone. He doesn't make eye contact with anyone either. Spencer said he wants to tear those headphones out of his ears and tell him to say _something._

I'm mad at Ryan. I know I shouldn't because he's his "boyfriend" or whatever. But he's stealing my best friend right when he needs me the most. Ryan hasn't known Brendon as long as I have, but Brendon likes his company more. 

My mind can barely think clearly. It's been repeating "your best friend has cancer" all day. 

We're all so tired.

"I don't want to be here anymore," I say.

"We can't leave campus until three, you know," Spencer hums, a small smile across his face. I sigh as William and Amanda walk over to us.

"What's Ryan's deal?" Amanda asks, sitting in a chair. She then makes an "o" with her mouth. "I heard about Brendon."

"Yeah, that's what he's upset about. We all are," Spencer says. Spencer's wearing a blue t-shirt. I really like it. 

"Man, this fucking sucks. The whole school is kinda infatuated by it," William hums. "Why him, y'know?"

Spencer shakes his head, "Yeah, William, listen. Let's not talk about it." He said that for my sake. Maybe Ryan's. 

"Is he in the hospital now?" Amanda asks. She sits in the chair next to Spencer.

Her hair is tied back into a messy bun, but her makeup is pristine. I don't understand women. Why do one but not the other?

"Yeah, more tests, he's staying there until after the surgery," Spencer rambles. "He won't be back in school this year." 

That kills me. He didn't get to do anything fun or adventurous before he could possibly die. That's so funny.

Ha ha, fuck you.

"Anyway, William, Gabe, and I are going to go to Willard Park after school to look around, or goof off- whatever. You guys can come. Even Ryan," Amanda offers. I haven't spoken to Amanda much, but she's not bad. Willard Park is an outdoor shopping mall and I don't feel like walking about in ninety degree weather.

"We're fine, thank you though," Spencer replies back. He's so nice. I'm so tired. We want to see Brendon today.

"Okay, well, if you change your mind you can text us." Amanda pushes her blonde bangs out of her face and stands. Oh, leaving so soon.

We're probably bringing them down. But honestly, I have homework and a best friend with cancer. I don't have time for fro-yo or fun.

-

We ask Ryan to come with us to see Brendon after school and he declines.

That fucker declines right when Brendon needs him most. 

"Don't be mad at him," Spencer defends, "he's been through a lot and doesn't want to lose another person close to him. Of course he'll push Brendon away."

"That's selfish, don't you think?" I bite back. 

"Brendon would be the first one to understand!" Spencer grips the steering wheel tighter. I huff. 

I hate this. I hate how my life's harder than it should be at 17. I hate having to age twenty years in the span of a few days because of this. All I want to do is date my boyfriend and survive school to some extent. I wanna go on dates and laugh and not have anything to worry about. 

We get to the hospital later than expected because of traffic. I stop in the parking lot. "I'm scared to see him."

Spencer grabs my hand. "It's fine, he's fine, c'mon." He kisses me on the cheek. I give him a quick peck on the lips. I'm sorry, Spencer. Sorry I'm a whiny little bitch.

Once we get into the waiting room, Brendon's mom greets us. The hallways are wide and long and a part of me thinks he won't look sick even though he will.

He does.

He looks exhausted. I walk in first.

Brendon's eyes have dark circles under them and his face is pale. He's in a hospital gown and has IVs shoved into him. He's well, you know, sick.

"Hey, man," I give him a one armed hug. He's never seemed so small. "How are you doing?"

"Shitty, I've had like, ten tests done on me today," His voice has never sounded so dull. 

Okay, maybe I'm over embellishing things. But he has cancer, for God's sake.

"Sorry. School is horrible too, if that helps," I smile at him. "William was wearing a ponytail today."

"God, he needs to stop that," Brendon smiles. "He looks like a young woman already."

I shake my head, "There's no stopping William these days. Oh- also- Amanda was there. She says hi. So does the whole school, basically."

"You should tell William and Amanda to come visit. And ha-ha, that quote about no one caring unless you're dying is true." He stares at his IV, "sorry."

"Just how bad is it?" I ask.

"After this surgery I'll be on chemo." He blinks at me. He's leaving things out.

"And?"

Brendon swallows, "it's pretty big. They're taking out a small piece this time."

Brendon's eyes lack luster. 

"So it's the chemo's job, basically?" I ask. 

"I'll have more than one surgery," Brendon says.

 

"And?" I narrow my eyes. 

"My odds are, like, 50/50."

His eyes meet mine.

Eyes I only have a 50% chance of seeing after this.

-

"50/50? Fifty-fucking-fifty. Those odds are horrible," I'm freaking out. Spencer's taking me home. 

"I think he'll be fine."

"Fucking- Spencer. He's still young. So is his brain. His brain growth can totally cause that tumor to swallow him whole. He probably has, like, a one in a million chance."

Spencer pulls into my driveway but doesn't open the door. 

"Are you fucking serious, you just said that? About your best friend? How fucking dare you." His eyes are narrow and his words are sharply spoken. "You need to be with him. You need to be the optimist. You need to shut the hell up and grow up." 

I sit there dumbfounded. 

"I'm sick of dealing with your bullshit! You can't just say these things and expect me not to react! Fucking hell, I've been trying to. You're making this so hard on everyone."

I- I- I'm.

Hm.

"Now get out and call me when you're ready to act like a decent human being!" Spencer unlocks the car, and I listen.

-

Smoke fills Gabe's room after I breathe it all out. Surely my eyes are bloodshot after these past few. I missed this. This is what being a stupid kid is. 

"How you feelin'?" Gabe asks, a laugh escaping him. His brown hair is perfectly quaffed and he smokes languidly. He's smoking just a regular cigarette. It looks good for on him.

"Fucking fine, can I take some of this shit home with me?" I ask. Gabe, you've always saved me. 

"Sure thing, man, you need it." He shoves me lightly on the shoulder and I smile for the first time all day. 

Yeah, yeah I do. 

-

 


	8. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry if some of you think the chapters are short and lack detail. Truth be told, I like updating this fic every few weeks/week and with my crazy schedule it's hard to put a lot of time into it. But I DO try my best to give it those qualities. This fic is emotionally draining to write.

(Jon's POV)

-

_3:39 AM_

My phone rings obnoxiously. Once I gain consciousness my heart stops.

"Jon" Ryan's voice says, with little to no conviction. My heart's beating out of my chest.

"We're coming to pick you up." Spencer yells in the background.

I let out a sob.

-

The waiting room is chilly compared to the outside warmth. Ryan has his head in his hands and Spencer's eyes are drawn down. Brendon's family is a mess.

Me, well.

I don't know.

They don't know either.

Something's wrong. 

Tumor growth on random parts of his body causing horrible side effects. Heart rate slowing, motor skills horrid. The works.

The doctor walks in and stands in front of us with tired eyes.

"Well, in his chest area there seems to be malignant tumor growth."

Silence other than Mrs. Urie's head leaning onto her husband's.

"We will do our best to remove it tomorrow, instead. His medication will be changed significantly. He will be in pain and depressed but I don't think he will have any brain damage."

"Fuck me," I mutter under my breath.

"Mr and Mrs. Urie, you may come see your son and review the scans."

We wait. And wait, and wait until it's our turn.

Brendon is asleep. Or at least knocked out. Meds are flowing into him. He's had a hell of a night. 

God.

I grab his hand. It's cold. Spencer grabs my other hand.

God, why him.

He has to live.

-

(Ryan's POV)

_9:56AM_

I close the door to the hospital room.

Brendon's awake and stares at me. I wish he was smiling because I miss them and I wish I brought a gift or some gesture of some kind.

"Hey," Brendon reaches out his hand.

I swallow. My hands are shaking. "Hi. I came in earlier while you were sleeping with the guys. Not to be creepy, or anything."

Brendon looks at the IVs shoved into his arm. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

"We all took the day off. If I can get away with tomorrow-"

Brendon shakes his head. "No, go to school. Get your mind off things for a while."

"No, it's fine. I can't bare not knowing whether you're okay." I take a deep breath.

A tear runs down Brendon's cheek.

"Hey-"

"I hate my fucking life," Brendon admits. 

"I-"

"Fucking sorry, Ryan. I'm so fucking sorry. You came in my life just and I can ruined it. I might get paralyzed. I might get brain damage. I might fucking die. And I'm sorry." I try to get a word, but he won't let me, "The worst part is, is that I never got to do anything worth remembering. That too! I might lose my memory. Some parts are already gone and-"

"Stop talking." I mutter, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Stop it. Don't be so pessimistic, okay? This is your life and it may or may not work out and you know it. But you have to deal with it and hope for the best." My eyes are tearing up too, but I don't dare to let one roll down my cheek. 

"Just let's get through this a day at a time. This is hard on you. You just have to go with it for a while." I say. 

Brendon closes his eyes. "Yeah."

I'm so tired.

"I'll have to shave my head, you know. I'll miss the mop."

"You'll look cute bald," I grin.

"I'll look disgusting. Whatever it takes I guess."

Yeah, whatever it takes. 

"Hey, do you want this?" I grab the necklace on my neck. "You'll need it more than me."

"Ryan that's insane, it's your mom's. It's yours."

"Take it, she's got your back on this. Can you wear it?" I take off the silver chain and hand it to him. 

"Sure, but I'll have to take it off for surgery and tests," His eyes are wide and panicked. "I don't want to lose it."

"Have it. Just keep it at your bedside- around the teddybear's neck." He does this with some struggle with readjusting position, but I help him.

"Thank you, Ryan." Brendon stares at me. I grab his hand. "Kiss me? Promise I'm not contagious."

He smiles and I kiss him. He's still smiling against my lips and God, I could fall in love with him so easily. 

- 

When I get home, Amanda calls me asking all sorts of questions I don't know the answer to. "Where's the cancer now?" "What are his chances now?" "How is he gonna finish high school?". 

I told her I'll get back to her on all of those. She missed us at school today apparently. 

"And, uh, how are you feeling?" 

Didn't expect that one, 'Manda.

"Uh, I'm doing okay. Kind of miss my necklace, but Brendon needs it more than I do."

The line's silent for a moment. "You gave him your mom's necklace?"

"Yeah."

"Ryan. Do you love this kid or something?"

Well.

He needs to be loved. 

And I don't know why but-

"Yeah, kind of."

"You haven't spent much time with him. You've been on one date."

"Call me a hopeless romantic," I tease. 

She groans. "You're not in love. You feel sorry for him. You want to help him. C'mon, Ry." 

I'm silent.

"You're quiet because I'm right, aren't you?"

"I don't know." 

-

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's struggling to cope with Brendon's medical problems.

(Jon's POV)

Mom has been on my case lately. She says I haven't been paying enough attention in school or with my music. Plus, I just got a job at the music store two weeks ago. I already want to quit because, well, it's work.

Can she blame me, though? And also, I already got into Nevada State, so I'm fine. I can coast the rest of the year without getting to much crap from teachers. My orchestra teacher has been on my case, but honestly he's the least of my worries. At least I've been showing up.

The school hallways are moving faster than normal on the last weeks of school. Students are happier and the air is a bit easier to breathe. But we still all miss Brendon. The fact that he's missing the last four weeks of school is unfair. He has come home to visit a few times now for only about a day, since he needs to be closely monitored and watched. 

They did, however, figure out that he had enough credits to graduate. Since the rest of the school year is just prepping for finals that he didn't have to take thanks to his good grades.

Which is hilarious to me. He's so lucky, because a year ago he was getting horrible grades until his mom talked some sense into him. 

College might have to wait though. Talking to Brendon about the future is hard because he doesn't know how long he'll live. We all try telling him that he's some indestructible force that will keep working for at least 70 more years but he's not having it. The surgery took a toll on him, but not so much to cause brain damage. He's been lucky, so far. They even said he might get to visit home for a while. Not go to school, though.

Lunch is even hard without him. Ryan, Spencer, and I sit at the table in the lunchroom talking about mostly him. Ryan hasn't officially lost Brendon, we remind him of that, but he tells us "You can't lose what you never had". I wish Ryan wasn't even associated with Brendon to be honest, because he doesn't need this much negativity in his life.

As for Spencer and I, we've barely even don't more than a peck on the lips lately. It sucks. Spencer has the coolest drum part for band though, and is ecstatic about it. Plus, he sounds amazing. He's the most optimistic out of all of us when it comes to Brendon, which is weird because he's usually the kill-joy. 

He's living the most out of all of us. 

We all just want to spend as much time as we can with Brendon, but it's so hard. After this surgery, they'll figure out whether or not he can beat this and his chances. It should be his last. 

"... and I totally think we should buy the Urie's flowers or something," Spencer suggests. 

Ryan raises his eyebrows, "That sounds really nice, we can drop them off at the house. Jon, what kind of flowers does Mrs. Urie like?"

"Uh, hell if I know, but I think some wildflowers would be just fine," I say. 

"We can pick them up tomorrow. I'll pay for them since it was my idea."

Ryan smirks, "Good, because God knows I'm broke."

"I have work almost every night this week. I think I might quit my job," I laugh.

"Why?" Spencer asks. "You love it. Plus your boss is cool. And if it's because Brendon-"

"I know. I just don't have the energy for it anymore," I say.

"It's been, like, two weeks. Plus, nobody has energy for their job these days. Mrs. Conrad is on coke, I swear," Ryan grins. 

True.

"Listen Jon, a lot has been happening, but I think you should still work there. It'll make you feel normal. Just another guy, working at a music store," Spencer's encouraging, which sucks. He's my own personal cheerleader and therapist.

And well, I still adore him. "Fine, just because you told me to." I nudge him with my elbow.

We later hold hands walking through the halls, and I've missed it.

"Well, I'll see you soon," he says, sighing. Even when he's tired, his eyes still shine the same.

I kiss him quickly on the lips, and whisper, "We need to do this more often."

-

The music store is slow on Thursday nights. I've noticed to patterns in which people visit and it's usually only on the weekends. So I'm caught dusting off guitars and doing inventory until eight. 

However, a pleasant surprise walks into the door.

"I just couldn't stay away," Spencer declares. "Wow, this place is empty."

I grin up at him, "I know, why'd you come?"

"To see my favorite guy," he grabs my hand and pulls me closer. My boss is nowhere to be seen. "... and to buy some drum sticks. I broke mine."

"Jesus, Spence," I laugh. 

"... and my snare, but I don't think you guys have those. I'm just so excited for the jazz concert. Jazz band is the only time I have solos."

"I'm so proud of you." 

Spencer steps back to get the sticks, "Jealous? Sorry, I don't hear any bass solos in symphony orchestra."

I roll my eyes. "I would never, ever, do a solo. Why do you think I picked the instrument?"

"Drummers hit it harder," he whispers. 

"Bassists do it deeper," we loved those quotes when we saw them, and we almost wanted to put them on orchestra/band t-shirts. They turned us down.

"Anyway, there's another reason why I'm here. Tomorrow night, me and you, dinner and my place. Parents are leaving for the weekend with the sisters to go to Utah. A little alone time couldn't hurt?"

"Damn right," I say. "I'd love to." I make my way to the register. 

"I have some champagne as well," Spencer mentions. "It wasn't cheap either." 

"How'd you get it?"

"I have older friends, told them I wanted a good night in with my boyfriend and they were willing to pick some up for me," he hands me ten for the drum sticks.

"Then I am way too excited."

Spencer sighs in relief, "Good, you needed to relax." 

-

(Ryan's POV)

I want to see Brendon, but every time I text Mrs. Urie asking she says he can't. But this time I begged, and told her I'd only be me. 

Once I get there, a nurse takes me up to his room. Mrs. Urie wanted to go home, eat, and bathe, so we'd be mostly alone.

He has never looked worse. 

"Ryan, oh my God," Brendon's in shock. "I didn't know you were coming."

I smile, "What would you have done to prepare yourself, ya dingus."

I missed him so much. It's been a week. 

"You know, I was starting to think you guys were forgetting about me." Brendon grabs my hand. 

"Hey! No, you're Mr. Unavailable. Since when did you get so busy?" I wink. 

"Give me a kiss, please?" Brendon asks, pulling me closer. I listen, leaning in to press my lips against his. His are soft and warm like they've always been, and, of course, I wish we could stay like that forever. I'm the one to pull away, but I keep our foreheads pressed together. "You're one lucky man, Brendon Urie."

"Only because of you," he says. What a cheese ball.

"Or because you went through a surgery with no brain damage and still are going strong, but sure, I'll take that," I sit myself on the side of his bed, it being rather tall that even my feet don't touch the ground. 

"If I was truly a lucky man, I wouldn't be in the hospital. I'd be with you and the guys."

"Shut yourself or I'll do it for you. You are lucky."

"Oh, /please/ shut me up," he puckers his lips and I'm proud to return the kiss.

I notice the chain around his neck, just then.

"You... you're actually wearing it?" I say. Last time I was here, it was still on the bear. 

Brendon pulls it out from under his gown, "Yeah, I missed you a lot."

"Me too."

Brendon swallows hard.

"Brendon, what's wrong?"

"I just feel weird, please call the nurse," he looks up to me with scared eyes. Never has he asked me for help.

And like a switch, he's suddenly seizing.

I'm calling the nurse frantically and my head spins. Tears escape my eyes instantly seeing him in this state and I'm escorted out of the room. 

-

I'm pretty sure I'm the source of all bad things that happen to my friends and family. Really, I just be secluded from everyone to prevent myself from causing anyone pain. This isn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to my mother. 

I stayed in the waiting room with Brendon's mom for an hour and a half before they told me what happened. Mrs. Urie showed up an hour after the seizure happened. Long story short, I've been here too long.

Story is, it was his first round of chemo and it's normal for him to have a seizure when he's on it. It's literally poison. So it scared the shit out of me. 

Mrs. Urie and I are allowed back in, and Brendon's exhausted.

"I just came in to say goodnight," I say.

"Please, come back soon," he pleads. His eyes are closed and he's breathing slowly. I trace my hand over his briefly. 

"I will. Spence and Jon too, okay? Goodnight."

"I love you," he whispers.

-

I don't know what to think. Or say. So, naturally, the first thing I do is call Amanda while driving home.

"He said he loved me after he had a seizure and was super tired and his mom was there and didn't care. What does it mean. Because you know, I totally actually do love him. And it's fucking with me." 

"He didn't mean it, Ryan. He's lethargic. Like you said, he just had a seizure. I mean, if he was on drugs for wisdom teeth he'd probably tell the dentist the same thing," her tone hurts. But she's probably right. I hate when she's right. 

More tears run down my cheeks. "Amanda, this is so unfair."

"I know, Ryan. Please hang up and drive."

"Why does this happen to me. To him," my bottom lip is shaking and exhaustion is setting in.

"Ryan. Listen. Hang up or pull over. Please, don't get in a crash."

I have to pull over, and I park my car on the shoulder of the rode and just cry.

I probably look like an idiot sobbing onto my steering wheel, but I couldn't care less. Brendon's gonna fall apart, and even if he doesn't he can't love me. I'll ruin his life.

-

(Jon's POV)

Spencer and I notice that Ryan's not at school today. We heard that Brendon had a seizure because of the chemo while he was with him, and he probably feels horrible.

"I just, I feel so sorry for him- Ryan," Spencer says, as we walk to the parking lot after school. 

Everyone does, even Mr. Urie said he's got to be having a rough time. "Take him out on Saturday. Just you two, like old times. He needs it."

Spencer nods, "He does."

"You do too," I add.

He links his arm with mine, "No, you actually keep me well grounded."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to try to end this on a happier note. I am SO sorry I'm horrible at updating. But I've made a promise to myself to update this fic every two weeks! So yay! (Also I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL O.O for two days. It was horrible, I don't know how Brendon does it.)


End file.
